My husband and I live in Vancouver, BC Canada. We have been married forever... no, actually it's only been 3 1/2 years. We were trying to conceive for 2 1/2 years and was told we weren't able to have children on our own but God in His powerful ways allowed us to conceive on our own without any interventions.
*Please note that this was written on the dates posted*
September 2nd, 2008
Our beautiful baby girl was born on Tuesday Sept 2, 2008. It all started with mild contractions that started early that morning at around 6:38am. They ranged from 10 minutes to 12 minutes apart with very little pain, just a little discomfort and tightening around the uterus. It still kept me up and caused me to wonder whether or not I was in actual labour or not. However, after a couple hours at around 8:30am the contractions were regular and I woke hubby up. He thought I was faking it and didn’t really make a big deal out of it until I told him it was the real thing.
I had an appointment with Dr. Michelle Belanger that afternoon at 1:40pm. I called the doctor and the receptionist said I should still go in for the appointment and see how far I was dilated. When I went into the clinic I found it difficult to pee because of the contractions. The uterus was pressing against my bladder. The doctor examined me and said I was already 4 to 5cm dilated! Labour was progressing quite quickly, faster than expected. She told us we could go to the hospital and they would admit me in. She swiped my membranes and that would make labour progress faster.
We went home to get a couple pillows and my camera charger, in the end we didn’t it because we forgot to bring the pillows in and the camera didn’t need charging. The whole time in the car, my contractions got more and more intense. They were so intense I started crying and screaming. It was almost unbearable.
We got to the hospital at around 3:30pm and the contractions were still painful since they were examining me. I was already 8 ½cm dilated! The nurses said I was doing very well and coping with the contractions wonderfully since it should be even more painful. I didn’t know I could tolerate that much pain!
After moving to the Birthing room, I was able to settle down a bit and still scream though the contractions. I was given the “laughing gas” and it seemed to take the edge of things and worked for a little while even though the pain was still there. The epidural was offered but I put it off a bit and see how I could cope with the contractions. About half an hour later or so I requested the epidural because I didn’t think I could handle any more intense pain. When the epidural kicked in, things were a lot better.
The nurse got me to start pushing at around 6:00pm. I pushed for about 15 minutes but could get it going because my bum was in so much pain and pressure. They didn’t want me to be too tired so I got a “top up” on the epidural.
I started pushing again at around 7:30pm. I felt like I didn’t know how to push and didn’t know if I was pushing in the right area or the right direction. Sometimes I felt I was just pushing my stomach and not into my bottom area. When the nurse put her fingers down there, I was able to focus on where I was supposed to be pushing. After an hour of pushing, it seemed like it was going nowhere and that I couldn’t do it anymore. I ended up vomiting a little because of the pushing. So because of the vomiting, I cried in frustration. The nurses and Patrick were very supportive of me and told me that I was doing a good job.
The pressure down there got more intense in the next hour. At around 9:20pm or so, I changed pushing positions. I started with just the typical position, we did the “water ski” position and finally I ended up on my left-side. After pushing on my left side for about 15 minutes, our little miracle baby was born at 9:32pm.
I felt my baby’s body come out and it was such a relief. I couldn’t believe that I pushed her out and that she was in the world. My thoughts were “I’m her mom and she’s my daughter. She’s my little baby girl!” Hubby quickly kissed me and thanked me for our baby. We named her Karina Grace because it means “pure blessing”.
Karina didn’t cry right away and they took her to get assessed. There was a doctor that came in and mentioned that her oxygen levels were low. She needed help breathing in oxygen. The doctor assured me that she was ok. At the same time, the doctors and nurses were helping me get stitched up because I had some tearing. It didn’t hurt when they were suturing me because my epidural medicine was still there.
The doctors took Karina into the Intermediate Nursery so that she could be in an incubator to receive saturated oxygen to help her breathe. The doctors said she might be able to be with me the next day.
At the same time, I was waiting for a recovery room. I had some toast but ending up vomiting it up because of the reaction to the medication. Since I was used to vomiting, it didn’t really bother me. It felt better to get it out of my system anyway. Soon after, my mom, Jaime and Mike came to visit.
I was moved to Balsam Room 10. We were waiting for the pediatrician to come and tell us the status of Karina. He finally came in at around midnight and asked us how the pregnancy went and if there were any issues that came up. I mentioned that I had a high HCG and that there was a 0.5% chance our baby would have Down Syndrome. Dr. Louie asked if we noticed anything when we were holding her. I was beginning to get worried and asked if there was something wrong with Karina. Dr. Louie proceeded in telling us that there is a good chance Karina has Down Syndrome. I didn’t know how to react. I just waited for him to tell us the details. He noticed the features of DS on Karina such as her eyes, the deeper crease on the back of her big toe as well as other facial features.
I took all the information in and asked the necessary questions. Dr. Louie said that the next day the cardiologist would come see Karina and see if her heart was functioning well. Dr. Louie said that Karina’s heart should be ok. We were hoping that everything was fine.
The next day Dr. Jeewa and his nurse Mandy came in to see us. They mentioned that Karina had a Ventricular Septal Defect. This means that the bloods from her left and right ventricles were not flowing in the normal directions. I felt that all the news we were getting on Karina were all bad news. We haven’t heard anything good since she was born.
Two hours later, when we were just lying in bed in the hospital, the tears came. I was still recovering but my heart ached for my baby girl. I couldn’t believe it was happening. I kept asking “why God?”. Why did this have to happen to us? We tried for 2 ½ years to get pregnant and now that we have our little girl, she has a life-long condition that can affect every aspect of her life. I thought of all the things in her life that would be even more challenging (i.e., going to school, meeting friends, dating, etc…). On top of that, we would have to tell our family members about Karina’s condition. I just wished it were a bad dream. I felt I couldn’t even see my little girl because I wouldn’t be able to face her. I didn’t want to acknowledge the condition she has. My legs and my bottom were still recovering so I sent Patrick down to the Intermediate Nursery to take pictures of our baby girl. I wanted her to know that we didn’t abandon her. I didn’t even sleep well that night because I was thinking of her and how to handle her DS condition. At the same time, I just felt that God disappointed me with a child with special needs.
The next couple days consisted of seeing her and trying to feed her. I tried to breast feed her on Wednesday and I also carried her outside the incubator for awhile. She was probably out of the incubator for an hour or two hours at a time. I love holding my baby girl and watching her move. She was sleeping most of the time and we didn’t see her open her eyes very much. We were really concerned about her inactivity and sleepiness.
Yesterday, Thursday September 4th, she was placed under phototherapy for jaundice. She was also “tube fed” because her oxygen levels were unstable. I felt so bad for having her out of the incubator and compromising her health. But the nurses allowed me to do that and there was no way I would have known it would affect her. However, Karina responded well to the tube feeding and was able to produce meconium poop on Wednesday night. On Thursday, she only had urine and no poop. Last night when we visited her, the nurse weighed Karina and she was 6lbs 6oz. It is normal for babies to lose weight in the beginning. While she was being weighed and tube fed we were able to entertain her for awhile. Karina opened her beautiful eyes when we put our hands as a “visor” over her eyes. I will never forget that moment when our baby girl looked into my eyes and saw me for the first time. It felt like a connection happened and we bonded for the first time. I felt that she knew who I am and recognized my voice. I truly do believe that even in her condition. She had to have known who I am. Although at the same time I am concerned about her hearing and whether or not she could hear me at all.
Today September 5th, 2008 her oxygen levels in the incubator were set equal to the regular oxygen levels outside the incubator. That is a good sign. It shows that she is able to tolerate normal levels and could possibly stay outside of the incubator. Karina was tube fed this morning and she responded well to our cuddling time. When we went to see Karina in the afternoon, I was allowed to breastfeed her. The nurses said that she was bottle fed this morning and was sucking very well but the flow is more difficult on the bottle than on the breast. She was very good at feeding on the breast. Karina swallowed and breathed well at the same time. I felt so proud of her and how much she has accomplished in just 3 days! Shortly after she was fed, I pumped the other side of my breast so that I could relieve the engorgement. My breasts are so sore today since it’s the third day, my milk has come in and it’s starting to build up more and more. After I finished pumping, I went back to see our little girl and she was very active in moving around. She cried on her own! She actually made a few crying sounds. I know it sounds weird, but crying was something she didn’t do at all. Her first cry was triggered by Dr. Louie and not on her own. Our parking was running out of time but I just wanted to soothe her and didn’t want to see her cry when I was leaving. The nurse told me to put a soother in her mouth to calm her down. She calmed down shortly after.
Every time I leave my little baby girl, part of me wants to stay with her all the time. I can’t stand leaving her in the hospital and me going home. We are so far away from her but at the same time my heart beats for her every minute and every second. In every way, I want to take away all her pain, I want to do all the testing and treatment for her. I want her to be well. I want to take away her suffering and put it all on myself because she is just a baby. She hasn’t done anything to deserve this and I know I can handle it because I’m a bigger person. Patrick comforts me by saying if I did all that for her, she wouldn’t have a mom to take care of her and love her. She is completely dependant on us to love and cherish her.
I miss her like crazy and tell her I love her every time we leave. It is now that I have a glimpse of how much our Heavenly Father loves us…the unconditional love and undying love that He has for us. That’s how much I love our little baby Karina. She is a pure blessing and I wouldn’t trade her for any other baby in the world.
As we were driving home this afternoon and pulled the car at home, a song was playing on the radio. Amanda Marshall’s “Breathe” was on. I was sort of dozing off trying to sleep but was still awake. Patrick parked the car and then I heard some sobbing. He was crying for our daughter because of her breathing issues. My heart ached for the love of my life. We cried for a while in the car and went inside and held each other close. I have never felt closer to my husband than I did at that moment. It seems that when the going gets tough, Patrick and I bond even closer and hold on to each other even more. These kinds of things either “makes or breaks” a couple.
Tonight I cried for my little baby girl again. I always think that when I cry, it will be the last time I cry for m little one. I can’t help it but keep thinking she doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve to have Down Syndrome. Why did God even create this disease. Why can’t all babies be born normal. They haven’t even ever sinned and yet they are punished with something that’s a life-long condition. Why can’t these diseases be just put upon those who do things that are criminal? Even criminals and bad people live on with healthy lives. Why my Karina? Why my baby little girl Karina? She is so innocent and beautiful….I think God must have made a mistake but God doesn’t make mistakes does He?
So many songs on the radio makes me think about our baby. Everything I Do, I Do It For You. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her…
I love my little baby girl.She is wonderful and beautiful in every way
Fri Apr 10, 2009 12:49 am
