Advice please....

about how to handle or talk to my grandma.

We went to SD to visit at Christmas time. She got to see Micah for the first time. We were excited because everyone in the family stood by us and supported us with the adoption and most importantly also embraced his DS. But after being there a day, my grandma started to talk a little more than I get in just letters.

She has always claimed to be religious and I've never heard a mean word come out of her mouth about a person before. She gossips but not in a mean way. This hurts just to admit this, but here goes.... She told us there was a little girl with DS that lives down the road from her. Then she used the R word to refer to her a couple times. It happened so fast, other family was around, I didn't know what to say, and I feel terrible I didn't address it then. Then she said later when the others had gone home, that she couldn't understand how a birthmother could "give up" her child "just like that". She feels it's better to abort than to expect someone else to take care of your child!!!!! I did my best to show her that it's murder and that child though not yet born is a life also. I can't believe she said this, but then she said "Well, not so much; they're not fully formed yet and they don't know anything yet" OUCH! I kept trying to show her and in the end all she would admit is that it was a good thing in our case, because now we have a son!? So I'm thinking- it's okay to abort because you don't know this person, but if it serves to benefit those you care about ... then, you choose life? I couldn't wait to leave. We actually left while they still had the roads closed due to the snow, because I couldn't stand to live one more day with such a hypocritical person- and my own family besides

Now I have a problem mainly because I didn't address the R word right away. And also I dont' want to alienate her, but I also can't see going to visit again. I need to send out Micah's picts and I normally write a letter. I plan to write to her about it, so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Oh, I just hope she doesn't get mad about it! Oh, and I plan to go to SD with my mom and Micah this summer. I already told Mom I didn't want to visit that grandma (both are in SD) but I don't feel right about keeping our travels a family secret either. What do I do? I would be only 2.5 hours from her, but I dont' feel ready for even a dinner with her.

If you made it this far, thanks. I'm sure the way it's written is confuseing. That kind of how my mind is on this... going in circles!

I am so sorry, I know that conversation must have been very painful. I adore my grandmother. She just turned 92 and is a big part of our lives. When Carson was born she had absolutely no intention of ever seeing him as a person. I was so proud when he flipped over from his stomach to his back at 2 weeks and was bragging about it. She told me "those people are strong- you need to keep him away from the girls, he will hurt them." That killed me, and I was very firm and told her that first of all that was not true at all. He was in way more danger of being hurt than hurting the girls. I also told her that I loved her and wanted her to be part of our family. However; if she could not accept all of us she would not see any of us. It was a very difficult process for her. She said all the right things because she KNEW she had to. However; she certainly did not love Carson and everyone - including Carson knew it. It was almost comical to watch because Carson loves everyone- except he did not love her. She lived next door to my parents and he would run screaming any time she was near. My grandmother is very proud, and this embarrassed her. My dad kept telling her that Carson was a good judge of character- if he didn't like you something was wrong with you, and that made it worse for her. For her own pride she had to make peace with herself regarding Carson and it happened gradually. She started making an effort so he would stop screaming and fell in love with him. No, that doesn't help you with what to say, but I guess a long story to say- tell her how you feel and that it is not OK to call this little girl "R". I would also explain to her how happy that you are that the birth mother did not abort and that our children live wonderfully happy lives and are a blessing to all. I tend to be a little bit- ok, a lot of the take it or leave it kind of person. For me, I would tell her that you love her but do not wish to hear that kind of talk. If she feels the need to say those things around you that you will not be around her. I would also tell her that I was praying for her heart to radically be changed to reflect how Jesus would feel about Micah and other children just like him. Good luck!

Kayla

Ruthann, I really think it is a generational thing. People from that generation were brought up to use the 'R' word and look at individuals with Ds as such. That is no excuse and still requires education on our part. I have the same issue with older family members in my family. Justin has not met many of our family since he has been homebound since birth but now that he is being released, we will also face this same scenario this summer when we travel to go meet everyone.

This is how I will handle people using the 'R' word. I will TRY to show grace and simply tell them that the 'R' word is no longer used since it is offensive! We ALWAYS put the child before the diagnosis and even then usually only in a medical/Dr. office situation. With family or in general we just use Justin's name and not his diagnosis. I will tell them that he is a normal little boy who has an extra chromosome and that makes him 'more than' and not 'less than'.

I have actually had people tell me he is "handicapped" and "He is just like a REAL baby". It hurts!!! In both of these cases I calmly explained that he is not handicapped and that he is really is a REAL baby!! Oh, that one still stings!!! He just has Down syndrome for crying out loud!

I'm seriously thinking of making up a flier to hand out to family at our family reunion this summer about acceptance. I DO NOT want to go over all this time and again with all the older family members about what is acceptable and what is not. We have a HUGE family and I'm thinking a flier would work nicely. I'll send you one if you want it. Maybe you can hand it out to your family as well.

I feel your pain, you are not alone. (((((HUGS)))))

I'm sorry...it's hard when the ones we love don't get it.

But I do agree that it's a generational thing. That doesn't make it easier or better. But I do think it plays into this.

I would just keep on keepin' on. Talk up how wonderful he is. Educate her. Hopefully she'll come around and understand!! Hugs to you.

I also agree with it being generational. Daniel is much like Carson in he is a good judge of character!!

I have found that just knowing Daniel people have changed their views or perception. We tend to use alot of humor....and I try not to let things get to me. IF, and only IF I know someone says something out of ignorance rather than meanness.....I try to educate with humor or a light heart. I have used the story several times about how the stereotypes (always happy ) just aren't true. And just in true Daniel fashion....he'll pitch a fit..fight with his sister or be fresh right on cue!! And I tend to use humor and say how Daniel proves everyday that kids with Ds are more alike their peers than different. His temper and freshness are JUST like a typical 4 year old....even better sometimes .

Best of luck with your situtation.....it's always hard dealing with older folks with outdated views. I will say a prayer for you and your family. Please keep us posted.

Thank you gals. I knew you would set me down the right path. I couldn't sleep last night wondering how I was going to word my letter. I kept thinking how you all think the use of the R word is generational. I think you're right; the more I thought on it, I realized that my grandma didn't use it with bad intentions. Now I am responsible to educate her. So this morning I sat down and just wrote. From the perspective of our life, as a letter is normally written. I included how I watched the TV clip last week about "What would you do?" That worked well introducing the subject.

As far as the abortion issue goes ... sigh ... I have a feeling there is more to it than I know. I did my best and if it comes up again I'll try again, but I don't think I can change that. I pray for her all the time to see things clearly. Her Bible also reads that Jesus loves the children; I pray she can understand that means the unborn also.

Ruthann, I'm sorry you had a difficult time with your grandmother. That can be so hurtful. I say give it time, continue to show your love for Micah and your grandmother and educate your family members when you can. But don't let this divide you now, while Micah is so young. Give it time, because as Micah gets older, he will be the one to teach! You will be amazed! I have seen Erin do more to teach others than I ever could. My own mother used to be afraid of people with disabilities. Now she is Erin's biggest advocate. Seriously, she cannot get enough of that girl and now she always goes out of her way to say hello to those with disabilities who are working in stores, especially those with Ds.

It didn't sound to me that your grandmother was using the R word in an inappropriate way??? I guess if she was using it to mean intellectual delay, it wouldn't bother me. It only bothers me when it is used to mean stupid or to make fun of someone. So for me, I'd let that pass.

The abortion issues is tough. It takes time. Sometimes it takes more time than I have patience for. In that case, when I feel I've said what I can say, charitably, I just pray.